OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
