Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
