My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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