I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
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on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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