At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
