I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
