I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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