I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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