Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
