I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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