Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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