Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
