My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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