I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
