My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
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Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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