I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
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The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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