if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
