I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Jerry, you need to find god
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
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It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
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