I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
