God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
