I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
