brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
