My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You left your phone here
Wait...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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