if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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