Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
