Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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