In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
