maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
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