Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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