I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
