i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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