I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
