what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
