and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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