So drunk its hurt
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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