my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
These Are 23 Of The Most Uncomfortable Questions You Can Ask
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The 17 Most Horrible Things Said To Online Daters
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
You grabbed my dick don't call me son