my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
