one word: firstdatebathroomanal
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
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