You just made me feel so damn special
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize