If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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