My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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