His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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