Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Randomize
