I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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