she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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