Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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