i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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