now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
