i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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