Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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