Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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