I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
