She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Randomize
